mk zariel {it/its} is a transmasculine neuroqueer poet, theater artist, movement journalist, and insurrectionary anarchist.

November 20th, 2025

dear name on a list that we’ve never read and will throw away in the next two minutes,

you’re a dynamic individual with a bright future ahead

we want to freak you out about that future, to the point that you go to a college that is in no way a good fit for you. we want to highlight the shortcomings of our own programming as you make this ill-timed choice about the rest of your life. your future is inaccessible and overly complex, because we don’t make it easy. i am sending this guide, which isn’t meant to actually help you make the decision because you still cannot narrow down your college options until you access anti-trans legislation. even if you find us to be the perfect college, being in a red state, could mean you’re out of luck. if you decide to apply, know that you will feel less like an individual and more like a list of grades, accolades, and that wonderful first-grade participation award.

this guide from Paranoia U will help you ignore what you know about yourself now to choose a school that will break your spirit. one of the most important factors in helping you get there is making sure you live in a society where your basic needs will probably not be met, so you’ll have to focus on scoring a lucrative job rather than anything you’re passionate about. but we don’t talk about that. are you tired of sitting in a classroom and being told what to do? we want to support you, by asking that you continue to sit in a slightly fancier classroom while someone tells you what to do. aren’t we creative?

needlessly high workloads are what we do best. as soon as you express interest in a subject, we will pile on busywork about topics you’re already aware of, infantilize and distrust you, and still expect you to be passionate about what you’re doing. by all means, you better have your own nonprofit, app, startup, and another app. on top of that, we prioritize experiential learning — you’ll be able to experience maybe two buildings! sure, we’re in a city, but we don’t want to stress you out by forcing you to leave our campus and talk to people. as far as you’re concerned, every human being goes here.

well, at least every human being who can afford our extremely prohibitive tuition. we’d like you to pay for college by completing twelve mythic labors of our choosing–oh, wait. that one’s already been taken. how about you just go to bold.org, then earn maybe two cents in scholarship money, then rant about it on twitter.com? or, look, you can apply to the International Freakout Scholarship! all you need to do is write a hundred-page essay whilst standing on your head and typing backwards, and you’ll be entered for a 1% chance of earning three cents. go cry us a river, okay? and then maybe try those dumb survey apps that nobody really uses.

at Paranoia U, we’ll know you don’t want to be here, and so will you. we’re here to empower you to say “random people on r/ApplyingToCollege are impressed with my choice of college!” because we both know that’s what you actually care about. Claim our free primer on late-stage capitalism; it’s the first step to making choices about your future that are fully guided by the problems with our society.

sincerely,
ChatGPT (he/him)
director of admissions

mk zariel {it/its} is a transmasculine neuroqueer poet, theater artist, movement journalist, and insurrectionary anarchist.